Gee Whiz

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iii. until further notice

Day three - hearing recovering etc.

The days go in in a very peculiar way when you're in a hospital bed.

Moment-to-moment it's exhaustingly long, it isn't just easy to languish - when the lights are out it takes substantial mental effort to do anything else.

Hanging on moments is all I really did, I did that for two million seconds give or take - but when it comes to recalling specific days beyond the first and last few, you're outta luck.

The plan initially was to write a day by day account of what went on in those two weeks - from now on I guess I'll pick days between then and today, whenever I decide to stop, since today is different tomorrow and so on.

 

Even if prompted I probably couldn't share much apart from memories a few bland meals, the time my ma brought me some cookies and visits from friends. You might be shocked to know that head injuries have a litany of side effects - I couldn't quite say if it was that, or the ensuing shame and stress that made me feel like total shit.

At some stage a doctor told me frankly, that moment had snapped me violently into a new normal. There aren't any coping strategies for that, recovery occupied a nebulous timeframe, one that ranged from "until further notice" to until you aren't alive again.

 

While the repetition did it's best to distract - there was a tremendous sense of uncertainty to my new normal.

I didn't know when I would be able to return home.

I didn't know what would happen when I was home.

I wasn't quite sure how much I wanted to be home, I wasn't well - not until further notice.

 

I went back to sleep, I slept a lot, there was fuck all else to do. For a bit I started to feel less and less like the person I was before. An overwhelming change of circumstance will do that to anyone. I fed him and brushed his hair and wore his clothes - which I was fortunate to be doing given the circumstances.

I liked the same music, and I knew the same people, I liked them, I liked this life very much, for what it's worth. I had been wrapped up in it before, and I would continue to be until further notice.

I'm not sure quite how much I have left to say - it's tough to conclude since the story is still being written, the ending isn't in sight - not until further notice.

Gareth Graham